The Legend of Taiga

In the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, two gentlemen from the Northern portion of the United States met in the city of Austin, Texas. They sparked up a friendship and began meeting on a regular basis to converse about ideas, philosophies, culture, and other topics which proper gentlemen are wont to discuss. After reading a book about a man-eating tiger that plagued the Taiga region of Russia, and considering the possibility of giant cats placing humans on the brink of extinction, they decided it was their calling in life to do something to prevent such catastrophe from taking place.

They knew that the best course of action was to bed as many women as possible to ensure the survival of Homo sapiens, but they needed an edge, something that would let the ladies know that they were a force to be reckoned with, dangerous, sexual Tyrannosaurs, if you will. Both agreed that picking up some instruments and playing heavy-duty rock n' roll was the best way, if not the only way to accomplish this grandiose, albeit necessary task that lay before them. Their prior life experiences made their choice in musical instruments as weaponry in the fight for human existence quite simple.

Bradley spent his adolescent years working in the coal mines of Indianapolis, often singing along with the canaries, which is where many of the roots of the vocal melodies employed in Taiga's repertoire today come from. Long hours alone in the dark after frequent cave-ins gave him ample time to develop his writing skills, as he would commonly etch imaginative tales into the stone walls of the mine using nothing but his fingernails as a means to stave off insanity. It was here that he learned how to dig through the darkest depths of reality to provide light to the rest of the civilized world via the miracle of coal as well as figuratively, and developed a grip strength which would make an anaconda's constriction seem like a new-born baby instinctively grasping their parents' outstretched fingers. With this background in mind, he chose to play guitar and lend his voice and words to the music.

Jack had been working as a logger in Washington and Idaho since pre-pubescence, and getting into wrestling matches with mountain lions was a common occurrence. Perhaps this is why the story of a tiger eating people came as such a surprise to him. He had always seen his bouts with the large carnivorous cats of the northwest as playful spats, never once perceiving a danger in engaging in feline fisticuffs. He decided to carve his own path in the music world, much like he had carved his way through so many forests in the Pacific Northwest. Developing a feel for the natural rhythms of the forest and an acrobatic strength Romanian Olympians would be jealous of during his time as a woodsman, he chose drums as his weapon in the battle for mankind's perpetuation.

These two gentlemen went on to create a raucous sound that caught the attention of many, but it wasn't until they brought on a retired deep-sea fisherman from the northeast that the war on tigers really started to take a turn for the better. Owen Platt had grown weary of stringing his line and casting it into the ocean to perform feats of strength by reeling in giant fishes and sharks, and had become so bored with his work that he would often pluck the string from his rod methodically to create musical passages reliant on his intuitive understanding of the pull and tug of the sea. He moved to Austin, offered his services to the Taiga camp, and has been plucking bass for the band ever since.

In 2014, Jack decided that he had been out of the woods too long, and the city-slicker way of life had caught up with him. His acrobatic strength had weaned, and he had taken on a more fancy-pants lifestyle, but he still knew he had to lend a hand in the crusade against the tiger population overrunning Austin. Thus, he picked up a six-string with some effects pedals and started plucking and strumming and stepping on things in hopes that the eardrums of the tigers would be obliterated and the peoples of his land could live without fear.

Luckily for the Taiga camp, Pat Hopkins came along. Pat had been living the humble life of an offshore oil-rig mechanic in Wisconsin, when he finally got fed up with the boss one day for asking him to "cover up those ripped-as-fuck pectorals while cooking bacon on his ship," because he was "making the ex-marines and retired MMA fighters on the rig feel self conscious and they were getting distracted." Never one to miss the opportunity to feel some hot grease hit his bare skin, he headed out Californie way but took a wrong turn and ended up in Austin. He met the fellas from Taiga, and upon hearing about their crusade volunteered to take out his aggression on some drums. For the next year he would mark his place in history as one of the greats, lending a sense of bombast and tight-knit rhythmic drumming to their sound. In the spring of 2015, he parted ways with the band, because it wasn't cold enough in the Austin winters for him to practice his lifelong hobby of creating ice sculptures carved with no tools but his nipples.

It was around this time that the band met a mysterious drifter on the side of the road who was violently bashing some trash cans in a hypnotic rhythm that they knew was a perfect fit for their music. Greg Shamburek had been roaming from town to town in central Texas, living off the grid and fashioning his clothes from burlap sacks and bread bags. A true modern day wild man, Greg barely spoke a word of English when he joined the Taiga camp, communicating mostly through low grunts and simple monosyllabic phrases, his favorite being "Beer good!" After a few months of intensive linguistic training, the feral wonder was adopted as a member of the Taiga camp, and has been playing drums (although he initially hesitated to part ways with his favorite trash cans) ever since.

The Taiga camp marches on as the battle betwixt people and tigers continues. The tigers may have the upper hand now, but Taiga doesn't plan on giving up easily. If one thing is for sure, the ride is going to be one that people will be talking about for a matter of hours.

This is the story of Taiga, no bullshit. You can't make this stuff up.

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